No matter how amicable a family separation is, tensions can rise when deciding where the children will spend Christmas.
Even if you and your co-parent have agreed general arrangements for the children and they work well for the whole family for most of the year, emotions can become overwhelming when a parent realises they will not be celebrating Christmas with their children.
Rebecca Massam, family and Collaborative lawyer at Warners Solicitors in Kent explains how such distress can be minimised when you and your co-parent embark on discussions about Christmas contact.
Ideally, both parents will discuss holiday arrangements well in advance of Christmas, and usually as part of the overall dialogue about what time the children will spend with each parent throughout the year. It is a good idea to set out hopes and expectations regarding Christmas early on in the year, so that there is time to iron out the details before the festivities get underway.
Other matters to consider might include when the school Christmas nativity takes place and whether you both feel able to attend the same performance or need to speak to the school about other options. You will need to make sure that both parents are signed up for notifications from the school so that no one misses that all important school Christmas lunch/jumper day/class party in the midst of handovers in chaotic Christmas schedule.
If you cannot come to an amicable agreement between yourselves about how the children can share their time with your over Christmas, one way of achieving this is through the use of mediation. This involves you and your co-parent sitting down with a trained mediator who will help you talk you through your issues in the hope that you can reach an agreement which suits you both. The mediator is totally independent so will not take sides.
If you feel like you need more legal support during the negotiations, you could opt for a collaborative process which again, involves face-to-face discussions between parents but this time each would have their own collaborative lawyer at their side to advise and support them.
If it is not possible to reach an agreement in one of these ways, then either of you will be able to make an application to court. This can be more time consuming, costly and ultimately, you may face a decision being taken out of your hands and imposed upon you by a Judge, rather than being able to reach a workable compromise. It is also unlikely that you would get a hearing at short notice, and so planning in advance is essential.
Although most parents will have the best interest of their children at heart, it can sometimes be difficult to imagine how this might look when thinking about how your traditional family Christmases might have now changed. It is important to avoid any conflict in front of the children, and whilst you need to communicate with your children and ask their opinion, it is really important that they don’t feel that they are having to choose between the two of you.
What holiday arrangements you agree to is entirely down to you and your co-parent – some couples are able to spend Christmas together as a family, most others will find alternative arrangements: splitting Christmas day around lunch time so the children see one parent for the morning and the other for the afternoon; or, agreeing to alternate so the children have Christmas morning with one parent one year, and then the other the next. It may be that if one parent has the children for a week over Christmas, the other parent will have them for a week over the New Year. Whatever works best for your children.
Once you have reached an agreement which you are both happy with, a family lawyer can help legally formalise it in writing, setting out all holiday arrangements for the foreseeable future. You can then calmly communicate what holiday arrangements have been agreed to your children, and get on with having quality time together with the children over the festive period.
For further information on child arrangements at Christmas or advice on any other family law matter, please contact Rebecca Massam on 01732 747900 or [email protected]. Warners Solicitors has offices in Sevenoaks and Tonbridge, Kent.
This article is for general information only and does not constitute legal or professional advice. Please note that the law may have changed since this article was published.
Listen to this podcast for more information about arrangements for children when getting a divorce.
